That one time God found me…

…heartbroken.

Have you ever lost someone you never thought you would lose?  Like you never imagined life without them?  And now that they’re gone you don’t really know what life is?  You don’t know whether to be sad, mad, frustrated, irritated, or even happy? 

Well, I have.  That person was my Dad.

I still remember how everything went down.  My last time seeing him.  I remember what day it was.  I remember what time it was.  I remember where I was.  I remember all the emotions I felt.  I remember everything.  Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday and sometimes it feels like it was so long ago….

When my dad passed away, I remember seeing so many people I hadn’t seen in years!  I even saw a few people I’d never met before.  So many people came to my house and sat with me and my mom all day long.  I mean I get it but to be completely honest it was very annoying and overwhelming.  I got so many text messages and phone calls.  This went on for months and the only thing I kept thinking was “I can’t wait until this part is over.”  I was so tired of seeing so many faces every day.  I was so tired of getting so many phone calls, text messages, cards in the mail, gifts, people dropping off food and water, delivering flowers…I was so tired of it all!  It was like reality kept smacking me in the face over and over again and I hated it!  Worst feeling ever. 

So I thought.

No, that wasn’t the worst feeling.  The worst feeling was when “that part” was over.  When people came around less and less.  When the phone stopped ringing all the time.  When the text messages no longer came through.  When the cards and gifts and flowers and food and water stopped being delivered to our house.  When things went back to “normal.”  

I remember one day I was laying down in my room rereading my dad’s obituary.  My mom was downstairs and my kids weren’t home.  It was the middle of the day.  It was very quiet.  I started reading one of the poems titled “When Tomorrow Starts Without Me.”   I believe David Romano is the author.  (Everyone should read that poem.  It is so deep and so authentic.)  As soon as I finished reading it, something happened.  Something was happening inside my body.  I had never felt this feeling before.  All of a sudden, I yelled and burst into tears.  My heart was literally aching.  I was heartbroken.  I couldn’t believe that was my reality. I couldn’t believe I was reading my dad’s obituary.  My dad was gone and he was not coming back.  When my mom heard me she came upstairs and hugged me so tight.  I felt like she was hugging 8-year-old Kay.  That Kay really wanted her daddy back.

Yelling and bursting into tears was something I had never done. It felt good but also very uncomfortable since I wasn’t really a crier and one to express my feelings that way back then. I had been holding in my emotions for quite some time and needed to release. It was like God came to me and said “Let go and Let Me handle it. You don’t have to be the strong one. Let me be strong for you.” Over the years, I have learned that releasing your emotions is extremely difficult if you aren’t use to it but it is also so liberating. I’ll have to tell you about that in another blog.

It took me a long time to get use to the quietness.  I had to sit in it.  I had to feel all the feelings I felt when it was quiet. 

It’s been almost 5 years and the quietness still gets to me sometimes.  

5 years.  Wow.  I can’t believe it.

I love you dad and I miss you. 

I hope I’m making you proud.